Erma Does Not Live Here!

If you’re friends, Facebook or otherwise, with KK and Ry – then this is for you. If not, you should be.

So I was looking at all the pics of their most recent dinner together with the kids and even though I was sitting my happy butt in Kansas – far away from fried chicken and fun flatware – I have a pretty good idea of how at least part of the evening went. Here then, is my psychic interpretation (in part) of the KK & Ry affair.

Ry: “Jack Allen, say hi to Sinclair! Isn’t Sinclair pretty, Jack Allen?”

KK: “Sinclair, can you put down your iPhone long enough to say hello to Jack Allen?”

Ry: “Jack Allen are you hungry? Would you like some potatoes? Potatoes are a vegetable, aren’t they? Can you say vegetable in Spanish? What about in Vietnamese? Tell Sinclair how they say vegetable in Zimbabwe, Jack Allen. You are so smart. I love you, Jack Allen.”

KK: “Sinclair, why is there a weee-zaard in Mommy’s Hermes bag? Honey lizards don’t like to live in handbags. Especially not Mommy’s handbags.”

Ry: “Jack Allen! Look at that mountain you made out of your potatoes! Wow, Honey. You are the best potato architect ever. Let Mommy take a picture of your potato structure as Architectural Digest will be delighted to receive it. Can you show Sinclair how we say delighted in American Sign Language?”

KK: “OK everybody. CNBC just showed a drop in oil, so if you have food left on your plate, please deposit it into an Hermes Ziploc so I can pack John’s lunch tomorrow. WAIT! IT’S BACK UP! Who wants a pony? SHAAAANNNNNAAAAA!!! Run to the store and pick up a couple ponies for the kids, please.”

Ry: “I’ll be right back. I need to excuse myself to write a thank you note for the potatoes and the pony. On my personalized stationary. That I carry with me. Just in case someone needs to be thanked in writing.”

And so on and so on. The girls will tell you this isn’t on the damn money, but trust me babies – it soooo is.

Hollah y’all! Today’s question is from non-Erma, Tommye. With an ‘e’ at the end. For no good reason. It’s just sitting there.

Tommye's "friend"

What is an acceptable amount of time between a second divorce and a third marriage?  (A friend of mine was asking…)

Dear Tommye,

Thank you for sending your question, Babye. This one is super easy. How fast can your “friend” grab up something else to marry? However long it takes to convince someone else that marriage to you, I mean your friend, would be an entirely pleasant thing to do, that’s how long you gots to wait.

If you, I mean your friend, has been at all smart, you spent your entire marriage to #2 looking, plotting, planning and making your “next ex” list.  That makes for a much faster turnaround. Marriage is all about volume, Sugare.

Not for nothing, but let’s talk about this extraneous ‘e’ just chillin at the end of your name. What the hell, Tommye? Was this a choice your Momma made? On purpose?

Is it a silent ‘e’, or is it meant to denote an extra ‘e’ sound at the end of your already ‘e’ sounding name? So like if you and I were at a dinner party together, (which we would never be because I’ve never been to a dinner party), and I was trying to get your attention because that weird guy that smells like mayonnaise and has the eyes that look in two different directions, was macking on me, would I say, “Tommyeeeeeeeeeee, remember that thing we had? You know? That place we have to be?”

Thanks for sending your question TommyE. Let me know when you, I mean your friend, get hitched again. I have lots of marital advice I will happily heap upon you. For free and what not.

Kindest regards,

Sherrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Send life’s biggest questions to me at humorwriter at gmail dotcom. Because I’m a minister, dammit.

Today’s question is from non-Erma, Liz.

What is the best way to go about having many babies and getting to stay home and play with them all day long and never have to go to a job? Catch: the answer can’t be marry a rich man.

Dear Liz – AKA person I may or may not have given birth to a really long time ago,

It can’t be done. Ever. And here’s why:

1. I am not ready to be called Grandma or any variation thereof.
2. I am too young to be somebody’s MawMaw.
3. I don’t have any sweatshirts with kitty cats on them.
4. I have no idea where old grannies buy lemon drops with lint on them.
5. I am not giving up my fire batons just because some selfish baby might put them in his mouth.
6. I know for sure Kanye West does not do lullabies.
7. I have no idea who these babies would call “Grandpa” because there are a LOT of men left yet for me to marry.
8. I couldn’t begin to guess where I might purchase some of those tiny, white, tennis shoes grandmothers wear.
9. I can’t cruise for new husbands in a mini van.
10. I can’t think of any more reasons why you can’t do this awful thing you are thinking of doing, so I’ll just close with this….

You’re grounded. So is your husband. Go to your room. But not together.

Sher

AKA Mommy

Send your burning questions to humorwriter at gmail dotcom. I’ll use them to light my batons.

From a non-Erma chick named Elaine comes this important life question:

Would a straight guy voluntarily attend a Britney Spears concert?

Dear non-Erma Elaine,

Well Baby, it depends on what you mean when you say “voluntarily.”

If Guy initially said, “No mother truckin’ way,” or any variation thereof, but then later, after having been harassed for some length of time has reluctantly agreed – with the not at all secret hope that his accompanying you will earn him bonus punches on his “Freaky Sex Gettin’” card, then Guy can be safely labeled STRAIGHT.

However, if upon hearing Brittney was coming to town Guy said, “Oh my God! She’s so fabulous! I totally know all the moves to Oops I Did it Again,” then you might want to pursue some further double-blind studies ’cause Guy may be less straight than you initially thought.

Hope that helps.

And not for nothing, but if Guy turns out to be straight, you best be busting out the circus acts Honey, ’cause he deserves them.

Love,

Sher

The long swinging non-Erma holding down the non-Erma fort and what not.

PS: Email your questions or video questions to humorwriter at gmail dotcom. Help a sister out, y’all.